Roast Yourself

Hi Gabbie! Hey!
What's up today? I'm gonna roast myself
That's up to date
Not really, bitch, you're fucking late
Two shitty vids a week too much to plate?
You know damn well what took so long to come out with this whack-ass song
What the fuck are you supposed to do
When you wanna join in but no one challenges you?
It's lonely and pathetic but I'll put that on the shelf
And I'll challenge myself to roast myself
How original! What a surprise
You're dying alone and you can't get guys
Maybe your dating life would be just fine
If you didn't talk about it all the fucking time

Welcome back!
Who the fuck you talking to, bitch?
Can't you see no one's even coming back to this shit?
You have another channel that nobody watches
Your vlogs got no views like an agnostic
Haven't you noticed all your views slow-dropping?
Looks like your show-stoppers stopped show-stopping
You hang out with and act like and dress like a teen
And your social life only exists on the screen
The fact that you've had the same hair for 8 years
Doesn't make you appear to be young to your peers
Speaking of which, how fucking old are you again?
Your voice sounds like you smoked two packs a day since you were 10
About to get as cold as a damn ice cube
How the fuck did you ever make it big on YouTube?
Take your irrelevant ass back to Vine
Where people only hate you 6 seconds at a time
You remade so many memes I forgot to mention
Your family set you down for de-vine intervention

The Gabbie Show, what a fucking genius
Twerk for views, now show more cleavage
Here's some shit to make them flip their lids
Make some vids that appeal to kids
Pokemon, Ghost Stories, Tinder Dates
Make content that even you would hate
So you can get hella views 'cause they all relate
Then you slap 'em in the face with some fresh clickbait
If you had fans once, then you surely lost them
Now you only get views making out with Shane Dawson
It's not clickbait if it actually happened!
Okay, stop right there before I start snapping
You say you hate drama but don't try to spin it
If that was the case, how you always up in it?
Get off your fucking high horse and take some blame
Stop exaggerating stories just for money and fame
I don't know how to get this through to you
If you're always in drama, the problem is you
Oh! It's probably true
The Gabbie Show, behind the scenes
Stuffing your face with Krispy Kremes
Reading comments about your size
Use Chipotle napkins to wipe your eyes
Washing your feelings down with tears
I'm on a diet!
What, for 25 years?
I know you diet and you're trying to be a smaller size
But running out of ideas is your only exercise
I'm not the type to hit you with low blows
But the only thing bigger than your thighs is your nose
You think my nose is big? Oh, I never heard that before
Tell me why your roast sounds like a 10 year-old commenter
Gotta admit, that's a real good one
Now, tell me Gabbie, who'd you steal that from?
I never stole a joke from any of the pros
That's a lie, that's why you got Pinocchio's nose
Oh! Ouch! Oh my God, I can't even be mad!
Fuck, that was clever! Shit! Ouch!
You rehash the same joke a million times
You did Me as a Parent so many times it's a crime
Another storytime?! Bitch, now you're just lazy
Even your therapist knows you're crazy
You talk about roommates and Uber rides
You'd keep your nose out their business but it's hard at that size
Typical Gab, three nose jokes in a row
You're proving my point, so I guess I can go

I'm sorry, kid, but you hit your peak
You're your own biggest fan but your content's weak
It's all downhill and your future's bleak
Might as well make yourself showstopper of the week